Why do we say things we don't mean?

'Once the storm ended, I realized that by letting go of all attachments, including my attachment to self, people no longer had any power over me. They could take my life, if they felt the need, but I was no longer going to live my life out of fear, the way too many people do, jolted by our disconnected society. I couldn't have realized any of this without having been broken emotionally and spiritually and mentally and physically. I had to be pummeled by humankind, I had to be pummeled by mother nature, I had to be broken until I saw no hope, until I went crazy, until I finally let go. Only then could I be rebuilt, only then could I be filled back up with who I am meant to be. Only then could I become my higher self. That's the message of the butterfly, I had come through darkness and storms, and had been transformed. I was living proof of the power of metamorphosis.' -Julia Butterfly Hill

I always do this. And I swear no matter how many times I make this same mistake, I never seem to be able to learn my lesson. I always say things to people to purposely hurt them even if I know it isn't true.

The main victim of my words are often my brother and my closest friends. For instance, today is the last day that my brother will be 21, and as I reminded him of this, he said 'Don't say that! It will put pressure for what I do today.' and I so eloquently replied, 'Just do nothing, like you do everyday!'

And all of a sudden, he gets all angry and storms out of the room, I try to do some damage control by saying 'I didn't mean it' but nothing mends the wound I have inflicted. Why do I say these things that I don't mean? I knew that by saying that, it would hurt him and make him angry, I don't realize the power that my words have over him and sometimes I always try to make a joke.

To be able to understand, you'll probably have to understand the whole context that I'm probably not at liberty to share, pretty much my brother dropped out of university and doesn't have a job and lives at home. According to most people in society, he is doing absolutely nothing with his life. But as I have hung out with him over the past few weeks, I have started to understand what he is doing with his life. He's gaining knowledge and experience through just being. He goes downtown and talks to anyone, most notably homeless people who talk to him about what life is really all about. He draws whenever he feels inspired, he's been learning to play the piano and plays the guitar all the time.

BUT back to my hurtful comment, he comes into play because maybe I've been feeling lately that he IS doing nothing with his life and I want to try and inspire him to do something constructive, I don't think he's the type that would 'prove me wrong' and 'rise to the challenge', I think he needs more constructive comments, which is why I've just been overly nice to him all the time. I wish I could be more honest, but it seems like I have to keep my negative comments or jokes to myself because he'll get offended and like I'm personally attacking him.

Wow, that feels really good to write out, I love the sorta catharsis of a blog without any violent action.

Back to my life lesson, why do we say things that we don't mean? I wish I knew why I say all these things and I wish I could be totally truthful with everything that I say, but it seems like sometimes the 'bad' me comes out of the cage. Sometimes I think it's not me at all, but rather what I have been taught in this society to say.

That's what I love about Julia's quotation, it shows that we are not who are meant to be, we are not the words that we say, because it's what we have been taught by living in this society. We have to climb mountains, literally, in order to become who we are truly meant to be.

Who knows!? Maybe that's what society wanted me to write lol!